Locks Not Replaced
by Shirerose
Summary: In which there is much regret, a bit on the philosophy of locks, adventure and far too many Robin Hood metaphors. Rated T for a brief instance of strong language, not because I'm paranoid (seriously what does that even mean?)


The title is naturally from Steve's letter at the end of Civil War as are (hopefully) the sentiments expressed below by all sides.

Meddwl

* * *

 **Locks Not Replaced**

* * *

Tony is aching and miserable and ashamed (and refusing to admit to the last) when T'Challa finally drops him back at the Avenger's Headquarters. More like the Avenger's Graveyard he thinks bitterly as he wanders empty hallways and finally stumbles into the barren kitchen.

Despite his own inability to cook anything remotely edible Tony enjoys homemade food as much as the next Avenger. Unfortunately, Steve had been the unexpectedly skilled and patient cook on mornings when the team ate together. He had even been trying to coach Vison, who despite early set-backs had been learning. Tony doubts he'll be tasting anything Steve cooks ever again…or at least not for a very long time.

He laughs slightly hysterically at putting a time-limit on how soon an (ex) friend will fry you bacon after trying your hardest to murder their best friend.

After being willing to kill them to get to that friend.

Tony stops laughing. Because the one image he had been trying his hardest to forget was now bouncing around in his brain. It wasn't his parents' murder (though that was almost as horrible), it wasn't even the emotionless face of their murderer. It was Cap (Steve?) standing defenseless as he turned his repulsers to maximum power.

If Bucky hadn't distracted him…

It was a horrible, bleeding memory of frozen instant of time in which he had found the hatred to murder a friend and it was no less terrifying for being unfulfilled.

The kitchen was apparently not a good place to be so he stumbled on pushing his darkest thoughts back into the shadowy corners of his mind. A door opened under his weight and he started back. Wanda's room was just as she had left it; pictures on the wall, bed clumsily-made, guitar in its stand.

Now Wanda's wan and collared face was haunting him.

Great.

Somebody else could deal with the Ex-Avengers' junk. In fact someone else could take care of everything. He wasn't even going to bother changing the locks (he was most definitely not deferring to Steve's request). Not at all. It wasn't like a bunch of criminals on international-most-wanted lists were going to waltz into upstate New York.

Seriously, why would they do that? They would have to be really stupid.

* * *

In all fairness, Steve did have a reputation for doing stupid things. Heroic and noble things…but still stupid, as Sam Wilson could have told him. Actually his dad and Aunt Peggy could have told him that too, as could Chester Phillips and the Howling Commandos and, well everyone who knew Steve probably. Bucky was particularly eloquent on the subject…not that he cared.

Still Steve could have tried to be subtle.

On the plus side he now only had to deal with half the possessions of the Ex-Avengers since Steve had thoughtfully removed the rest. Maybe only a quarter. When Tony bumped into him in the hallway he had everyone's favorite books, several cases of what was probably Clint and Nat's diverse weaponry, a bunch of art supplies (he looked like a walking Michael's) and Wanda's guitar.

Tony pretended not to see his somewhat embarrassed wave.

He did try to protest when Steve came back to retrieve Sam's extra set of wings and a couple more suitcases. Steve just smiled and told him to call.

Tony didn't try to stop him since he really didn't want to be knocked over by Nat and Wanda's suitcases. Which thinking about it probably meant that Natasha had (albeit belatedly) joined Cap and his merry band. Tony hoped that that didn't make him the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Ross made a great Prince John though.

* * *

Apparently, Tony had, with his usual acuity hit upon the perfect metaphor for the charade that promptly ensued.

The Ex-Avengers began showing up all over the world. Popping up with remarkable efficiency before disappearing as soon as the problem was solved. Most of the time Ross and his cohorts (Tony refused to consider himself a member) hadn't finished debating whether the legal Avengers should appear by the time the mess was cleaned up.

It was amusing and annoying at the same time.

Ross grew increasingly frustrated as this continued. He called more meetings (Tony skipped most of them), he signed orders and lost his composure with great frequency. Eventually he lost it completely and went full time Prince John on them.

Instead of trying to decide whether to deal with a given situation it became a matter of trying to get there in time to arrest whoever _had_ solved it. Rewards were offered for information on where they might be hiding and for the capture of any of the team but especially for their blue-and-silver-clad leader.

Tony didn't laugh much now but he did smirk more than usual as Ross grew increasingly dramatic and correspondingly unhinged. He noticed with amusement that Cap (Hood? It was too good a pun to pass up…) seemed to know exactly what to expect each time Ross tried to outsmart him and wondered who was playing Marian.

It certainly wasn't him. He truly didn't have any idea where they were hiding.

No. Tony was doing his best impression for a particularly annoying and exceedingly bumbling Sheriff. His suit had an exponential increase in unexplained malfunctions (he told Ross his conscience was messing with the relays and countermanding his orders) and he wasn't the only one.

Rhodey pled his still-recuperating back and Vison continued to lack practical experience in the matter of catching fugitive friends. Since he was still very new to the world this made it difficult to implement his great powers in any useful way. T'Challa was very helpful at meetings with no meaningful results and Tony wondered if he too had somehow joined Team Hood. His cat-that-swallowed-the-canary smile each time one of his excellent plans failed seemed to indicate that he had.

This was all very funny at a distance. The humor was remarkably less visible up close.

Eventually, the continual offer of rewards (not an archery contest…though that might have bagged Clint) and the constant chase bore fruit. The trap snapped shut on its blue and silver prey. Since said prey was resourceful and very, very strong the trap didn't hold for very long.

Just long enough for it to come limping through one of the secret entrances in the basement to collapse bleeding on the floor.

Tony grumbled to himself, cursed stubborn idiots with no self-preservation instincts and thanked God that he hadn't changed the keycodes or biometric scanners.

* * *

He wasn't so thankful when the rest of the team showed up masked and vengeful a day later.

Despite Steve's letter it seemed that the team wasn't entirely aware that they were Tony's back-up. There was a knife at his throat and an arrow centered on his chest before he could even react. It was rather terrifying (so much so that he almost sympathized with Loki…but not really).

"Where's Steve, you double-crossing bastard!"

Sam Wilson was not happy. Oops.

Tony smirked (all that practice had done wonders), "Not actually a bastard…" he began cautiously.

Nat wiggled the knife threateningly and Tony started regretting calling her double agent. Clearly it had hit a nerve. Wanda and Sharon were grim and silent in the background. No help there. The ant-guy was nowhere to be seen, probably untying his shoelaces or something.

Thankfully Steve was (as usual) up before it was medically advisable and swooped in to rescue him with admonishing looks all around and stern disappointment. (Sometimes Tony hated that too…but not today).

Everyone apologized and thanked Tony for his help (which was nice), Sam still punched him for sneaking the location in Siberia out of him (which wasn't nice but hardly unexpected), his shoelaces were undone (definitely sabotage) and Team Hood (Steve glared which Tony found hilarious) disappeared back to wherever they had come from.

Tony missed them.

* * *

Ross heard about the near miss at catching the outlaws (but not about their temporary refuge) and nearly had a heart-attack (Tony was beginning to expect his face to split open and reveal a second Red Skull…the guy really hated Steve).

Ross redoubled his efforts and added new ones. One of which turned out to be very bad.

Ross had his sights on the Spider-kid.

Tony gave in and called Steve (despite the uneasy truce over the last couple of months using the phone felt like capitulation) but for all his faults he wasn't going to rank his ego above Peter's life or freedom. After all it was his fault (and wasn't that a familiar flavor of guilt) that Peter had been involved to begin with.

Steve answered almost immediately. There was no hesitation in his voice when he promised to be there as soon as possible and Tony wondered (for the millionth time) if he would have been so quick to offer if it was Tony himself who was in trouble. Probably, since Steve was about the most loyal creature on earth since dogs where invented but sometimes he doubted.

If their positions had been reversed would Steve have fought Bucky to protect a newer (more difficult friend?).

"Yes!"

Tony blanched (not that anyone could see it). He had definitely not meant to say that out loud.

Steve was still talking "…of course I would have fought for you, still would. I'm sorry that you doubted that Tony."

Tony really didn't know what to say. Steve wore his heart on his sleeve, Tony didn't and talking about friendship and loyalty wasn't something he did. He kept his heart under gold titanium and pretended that it didn't exist. Only, even gold titanium couldn't hold out forever and…it was probably time to move this conversation away from him and back to the Spiderling.

Peter and his (surprisingly good-looking) aunt made it to Headquarters minutes ahead of Ross' minions. Steve was ready and waiting for them (having got there in such record time at Tony accused him of hanging around New York for no good reason). Steve pointed out that there was a very good reason before heading off with Spiderboy and Aunt May in tow.

Ross was displeased that the locks had not been re-programed to allow him or his men past the front doors (thus hindering their discovery that there was nothing remotely spidery on the premises).

Tony pointed out (in words of two syllables or less) that Ross' goons pounding on his tank-proof doors had done nothing to help him unlock them faster.

* * *

In hindsight, it was probably the words-of-two-syllables-or-less that pushed Ross over the edge. Not that he wasn't completely bonkers to begin with.

Also he probably shouldn't have opened the doors without hiding the incriminating evidence (but hey, he was flustered). However it happened Tony shortly found himself trading in his role as the bumbling Sheriff for (alas) that of a goatee-d (and Ironman-less) Maid Marian.

Seriously, his life was terrible.

If he wasn't surrounded by men-with-freaky-(Hydra?)-guns or if he had his suit this would not have been an issue. Sadly, the first was true and his suit was disassembled and hidden in an undiscoverable safe. So hurrah for Ross not being able to find it and not so hurrah for being completely useless to him.

He comforted himself that Wanda (who had freaky magic), and Clint (who was very accomplished sniper) and the rest had gotten captured too, so he was in good company.

Ross found the phone.

And with disturbingly accurate bit of logic-ing (for someone who was just short of Schmidt-crazy) decided that Tony Stark would never have gotten it for himself. From there it was a simple guess that Captain-Not-Interested-In-Playing-Temple-Run-On-My-Phone might have something to do with it.

Since Tony was handcuffed to the handicapped rail in the front lobby he wasn't in a position to do much beyond pacing the length of the rail and listening as the ensuing train-wreck unfolded.

The only positive he could see (and he wasn't sure it still a positive) was that Steve had definitely meant what he said about coming if he needed help. Also, the bit about Tony still being his friend and being willing to fight for him.

By the time that Steve was sauntering through the front doors (seriously, the guy wouldn't know subtle if it hit him in the face) the lobby was a veritable death-trap.

Ross was totally giving Prince John a run for his money.

Steve's chest was blanketed in red dots the instant he was through the door. Tony really hoped that his nonchalance meant that the ambushers were about to be ambushed, not that Steve about to (figuratively) crash a plane.

Ross was (apparently) into the whole gloating-over-the-captured-hero thing. He probably should have gone drama school rather than the military. Likely would have been a nicer person. He could have gotten all his evil domineering off of his chest in front of a paying audience instead of a handcuffed one.

Steve was a silent prisoner (though his eyes darted over to Tony as though to determine his safety). Somehow Tony had expected more "Here-I-am-let-him-go-free" with a side of shield-bashing (but his shield was hanging like a trophy on the wall, his arms and legs were wrapped in positively huge hunks of metal and Steve himself was just listening patiently to whatever idiocy Ross was currently spouting).

And getting his perfect teeth repeatedly punched (Tony was somehow not nearly as keen to be the puncher). Ross was clearly enjoying himself and Tony was beginning to feel green at the amount of abuse Steve was taking.

Until of course an arrow with some kind of EMP discharge thunked into the ground in prefect time with the tranquilizer darts that took out Tony's guards. Steve's restraints sprang open and…well, that was that.

Tony mentally took back the subtlety complaint.

They left Ross bound and cursing (on the front steps) with the rest of his men before they melted back into the shadows. Tony grabbed his suit and Steve's shield while pointing out that his suspicions about T'Challa were totally correct. Sadly, no one seemed interested in this information as they re-coded every entrance (secret or not) to them and them alone (again).

Sometimes locks are better not replaced and sometimes…they are.


End file.
